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Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Dirty F'n Liars

When you become a parent at some point you will have an epiphany that your mom and dad were big fat liars when you were growing up. They made up stories about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and even concocted elaborate schemes to keep you from suspecting the truth. They told you too much TV will rot your brain when the truth is they just wanted you out of the house so they could have 5 minutes of peace.  They also said babies are made when 2 people love each other get married and leave out that it can also happen when there is too much booze involved to take the proper precautions, or when the condom breaks. 

All parents do this. It is a survival tactic. If you say you don’t lie to your kids then you are a dirty F’n liar; lying to yourself and everyone around you.

As a mom of two I lie habitually. I tell little white lies daily to (unsuccessfully) keep the drama to a minimum. My kids have heard all the classics peppered in with some new ones such as: Kids who constantly tell fart jokes grow up to live in the dumpster and: You have to eat your vegetables or you will grow chest hair (then I tell them their daddy didn’t eat enough veggies). I have become so used to doing this I have never thought how it must look to an outsider.

Recently, while shopping, I was witness to another mother doing this at my least favorite store, Wal-Mart.

It was the day before Easter and the store was filled to the brim with crazies. While looking at tank tops the Easter Bunny would be bringing (yet another lie) I heard a mom talking to her daughter whom she was carrying. The little girl looked to be about 3 years old.
The little girl wanted down and was squirming and whining. Seemed normal enough to me. Then the mom yelled out “No! You can’t get down, you don’t have shoes on!”

Naturally I looked up when I heard that; who the hell brings a child into this store with no shoes on if you are not going to contain them in the cart? There is not enough soap in the world…

The mom then said “You’ll get tuberculosis on your feet! Do you know what tuberculosis is?”

The little girl, obviously used to her mom saying crazy things, admitted that no; she did not know what tuberculosis was.

“Say tuberculosis. Tu-ber-cu-lo-sis. Do you want that? NO ONE WANTS TUBERCULOSIS!!”

To this the little girl began to cry and agreed she did not want tuberculosis.

“Stop squirming before you fall and get TUBERCULOSIS!”

Look, I say some crazy shit to my kids to stop their whining at times but this was a new one. I have never told my children they could catch a disease from walking barefoot in a store, I just pop their asses if they try not to wear their shoes.  I’m not judging, just partially jealous I didn’t think of it first.

I know you have, so tell me, what crazy lies have you told your kids?

          Follow me on Twitter: @beans1031

Sunday, May 10, 2015

To my daughters on Mother's Day

To my daughters on Mother’s Day,

Thank you for being born. The back pain, swollen ankles, stretch marks, and heart burn were worth every second of discomfort in order to have you in my life.

You were both planned; your dad and I wanted you to come into this world well before I felt the first flutters of life within my belly. I was thrilled as my belly grew bigger and bigger showing signs that the life within me was thriving. Then you were ready to come out of that safe place and meet the world.

T, you were born on a Wednesday. I tried and tried to have you normally but you weren’t going to follow the rules even in the womb and I had an emergency C-section. I was scared, not for me but for you. I had no idea what was wrong, what was causing your heart rate to drop every time I pushed. When the doctor cut open my belly she exclaimed “She’s sunny side up and looking right at me!” You were rushed to NICU and spent your first 4 hours of life there due to meconium in the womb. You were always my fighter, so strong and brave. They brought you to me at 3 am and from that moment on my world became brighter.

The day you were born you only wanted me. If anyone else held you a howling cry would emit from your tiny mouth unless they rocked you or walked with you; always in motion. You slept restlessly, moving and squeaking the entire time. As you grew you continued to move nonstop, even in your sleep and are restless to this day.

You blazed your own trail from the minute you were conceived. You are fearless, caring, inquisitive, and have the memory of an elephant. You made me a Mom. You and I have such a strong bond and I pray it remains this way. You are one half of my heart and I thank God for you.

C, you are Saturday’s child through and through – kind at heart. Your entry into this world was less dramatic than T’s initially but even then you had to one up her and have to be rushed to the NICU for 2 days because you were having trouble breathing. You were the biggest baby in there. Unlike T, who was barely 5 pounds, you were 8 pounds and so chubby your eyes were squinty and your cheeks so fat.

I was so scared throughout my entire pregnancy with you that I would not love you as much as I did T. I did not think that was possible. I was petrified that I was taking something away from her and that my bond with her would shatter and I wouldn’t have it with you. Then I held you for the first time. As I tried to nurse you I saw a little dimple on your cheek and I was amazed. How was I able to create such a beautiful child?

You are more timid than T, more inquisitive and much more sensitive; in other words more like me. You melt hearts with your smile and even when you disobey you are cute. You are the first to say you are sorry, to tell me you love me, to wrap your arms around me. You fit perfectly on my lap and hip. T made me a Mom but you made our family complete and taught me that my heart could grow and love more and more.

My fear about my bond with T quickly dissolved the moment she held you. She loved you from the start and took on the role of big sister with ease. As you grew you two became friends, always wanting to play with each other. When I went through Chemo you held my hand as we shaved my head. You looked at me with your beautiful blue eyes and told me I was beautiful even with no hair. At 2 years old you were well aware of how to be kind, how to make someone feel wonderful in the middle of a storm. You are my baby, I love you more than words can express and I thank God daily for you; you completed our family.

Being a mother is hard. You give up a life that you had freedom you didn’t realize existed until you couldn’t even pee alone or run to the store without packing half the house and 45 minutes of prep work. I have cried many tears, hurt when you hurt, smile when you discover something new. You girls brought magic back to my world that didn’t exist since I was little.

For Mother’s Day I do not want a necklace, a ring, any baubles or trinkets. I just want to hold you, play with you, and create memories of a great day we spent as a family. Thank you, girls, for being born. Without you my world would not be the wonderful, crazy, chaotic, love-filled place that it is today.

I love you with all my heart,