Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Dirty F'n Liars

When you become a parent at some point you will have an epiphany that your mom and dad were big fat liars when you were growing up. They made up stories about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and even concocted elaborate schemes to keep you from suspecting the truth. They told you too much TV will rot your brain when the truth is they just wanted you out of the house so they could have 5 minutes of peace.  They also said babies are made when 2 people love each other get married and leave out that it can also happen when there is too much booze involved to take the proper precautions, or when the condom breaks. 

All parents do this. It is a survival tactic. If you say you don’t lie to your kids then you are a dirty F’n liar; lying to yourself and everyone around you.

As a mom of two I lie habitually. I tell little white lies daily to (unsuccessfully) keep the drama to a minimum. My kids have heard all the classics peppered in with some new ones such as: Kids who constantly tell fart jokes grow up to live in the dumpster and: You have to eat your vegetables or you will grow chest hair (then I tell them their daddy didn’t eat enough veggies). I have become so used to doing this I have never thought how it must look to an outsider.

Recently, while shopping, I was witness to another mother doing this at my least favorite store, Wal-Mart.

It was the day before Easter and the store was filled to the brim with crazies. While looking at tank tops the Easter Bunny would be bringing (yet another lie) I heard a mom talking to her daughter whom she was carrying. The little girl looked to be about 3 years old.
The little girl wanted down and was squirming and whining. Seemed normal enough to me. Then the mom yelled out “No! You can’t get down, you don’t have shoes on!”

Naturally I looked up when I heard that; who the hell brings a child into this store with no shoes on if you are not going to contain them in the cart? There is not enough soap in the world…

The mom then said “You’ll get tuberculosis on your feet! Do you know what tuberculosis is?”

The little girl, obviously used to her mom saying crazy things, admitted that no; she did not know what tuberculosis was.

“Say tuberculosis. Tu-ber-cu-lo-sis. Do you want that? NO ONE WANTS TUBERCULOSIS!!”

To this the little girl began to cry and agreed she did not want tuberculosis.

“Stop squirming before you fall and get TUBERCULOSIS!”

Look, I say some crazy shit to my kids to stop their whining at times but this was a new one. I have never told my children they could catch a disease from walking barefoot in a store, I just pop their asses if they try not to wear their shoes.  I’m not judging, just partially jealous I didn’t think of it first.

I know you have, so tell me, what crazy lies have you told your kids?

          Follow me on Twitter: @beans1031

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